Timid Reporter and Warren Buffett

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Warren Buffett?
WB: What would happen if I said “no?”
TR: I would politely remind you that you are.
WB: You wouldn’t doubt my sanity?
TR: No sir, I wouldn’t.
WB: Why do you call me “sir” if you’re older than I?
TR: You heard.
WB: Yes – the word’s getting around. Bill told me you said you were born in 1777.
TR: It’s true.
WB: Can you prove it?
TR: Most certainly I can.
WB: Where were you born?
TR: In Florence – July 7, 1777.
WB: You’re Italian?
TR: Not at all - just like you’re not actually English, I’m not Italian. I’m half Austrian and half Gypsy, or the other way around.
WB: You’re right. I have no ancestors in England, but I can trace my lineage all the way back to the Norsemen.
TR: My grandfather still tells me stories about the mighty Roman Empire.
WB: Is he still alive?
TR: Yes. I’m getting thirsty.
WB: I hope you brought change. I have a Coke vending machine in the den.
TR: Never mind.
WB: You say you can document everything about your old age and background?
TR: I’m timid, but I do not lie.
WB: Well, I’m somewhat at a loss. You may be telling me what you think is the truth, but you might also be insane - just like so many economists I know.
TR: Yes sir, but I didn’t come all the way to Omaha to talk about me.
WB: This magic potion you claim to have – it could make you the richest person on the planet.
TR: Richer than you?
WB: Yes.
TR: It’s not what you think.
WB: Let me have a shot at this secret, whatever it is. You can have 51% of the partnership without lifting a finger.
TR: This formula slows down your metabolism so that you age at only 3% the rate as everyone else.
WB: How has it been kept secret so long?
TR: It also induces you to keep your mouth shut.
WB: So how many people know about it?
TR: Seven.
WB: I don’t believe a word of this. You’re a shyster and a fraud.
TR: I’m not selling anything.
WB: You’re a con artist trying to set me up.
TR: I’m not a consultant and I don’t sell gold. You started this.
WB: I don’t even play Bridge with Jimmy Cayne because….
TR: He cheats?
WB: I didn’t say that.
TR: His butler told me.
WB: This just doesn’t square. If you’re so old, how come you’re not wealthy? How come you’re still timid?
TR: I have known people who have been born poor and died poor. I have known people who never learned to read or write in a lifetime. Time does not necessarily equal progress. It’s not given to every man to write a symphony or to invent a light bulb. Besides, why do you scold me if I have yet another two thousand years to make a little money? I might even get over my timidity. If you wait long enough….
WB: You’re not as timid as you appear.
TR: I have observed several generations over the span of more than two hundred years and have concluded that life is about eating and drinking and not much else.
WB: Then I have been fortunate. Not everything has gone smoothly, but I’ve learned to adjust to reverses that have come along from time to time. I’m a happy man.
TR: How is it that the richest man on earth can also be relatively modest?
WB: I have everything I need. I even have a private jet.
TR: Do you have any poor friends?
WB: I can’t say that I do. What good would that do me?
TR: You are a great philanthropist but you don’t personally know any of your beneficiaries?
WB: It’s best not to know. Bill gives me charts with numbers – that’s all I need to be aware of.
TR: Wouldn’t it be satisfying to actually see a person whose life changed because of your philanthropy? They wouldn’t need to know who you are.
WB: Do you know such a person?
TR: No.
WB: Could you find one for me?
TR: I’m still very thirsty.
WB: Here, I’ll lend you the seventy five cents for my vending machine.
TR: No, thanks.
WB: It’s time for my nap.
TR: …just one more question.
WB: Yes.
TR: Why did your wife Susan leave?
WB: What can I tell you? She wanted to sing.
TR: Thank you, sir.