John McCain interview

(NOTE: This interview was conducted in February of this year.)

We are happy to report that our shy but intrepid Timid Reporter© located Senator McCain’s entourage in Ohio, where he was able to negotiate a four-minute interview. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Senator McCain?
JM: You want me to state my name for the record? Of course I’m Senator McCain. Who did you think I was?
TR: I’m sorry. I was taught to always make sure and verify.
JM: I didn’t mean to snap at you but right now is not a good time to be trying my patience.
TR: I understand. I’m sorry I had to ask that question.
JM: Well, make yourself comfortable in that easy chair by the table and let’s get started – I still have lots to do today.
TR: Yes sir. My first question is about the story in The New York Times….
JM: You know, I had a press conference about that this morning so I’m not going to get into that again. My wife was right there with me, too. Get the real story from my press office. I will say this much: if anything, that dastardly article proves that I’m at least a little bit conservative; otherwise, The New York Times wouldn’t be coming after me.
TR: Yes sir. I noticed from the photos that your wife is taller than you….
JM: No, she’s not – she wears high heels.
TR: I forgot about that. Sorry.
JM: You know, you people from the press always have to find something to pick at. There have been so many profiles done of me since the last campaign and I don’t remember more than two or three that I liked. There’s too much negativity. Let people be who they are and don’t criticize their shoelaces. Look at the real man is what I’m saying.
TR: What about Senator Clinton?
JM: It’s a figure of speech, my friend.
TR: Sorry. If the election were next week, who would you prefer to be running against?
JM: Nobody. No, no, seriously, either one will be fine. Senator Obama is a master of stating the obvious. He can relate the story of the three little pigs and make it sound like grand opera, but the story will be the same – we already know it. As for Senator Clinton, she takes direction from Bill and everybody knows that, too. If Bill were to step out of the picture, she would be a formidable opponent, but that’s between you and me – don’t print it. We certainly don’t want to give them any ideas.
TR: No sir. I won’t print it.
JM: Fine.
TR: Regarding your opinion of the C.I.A. and the torture of detainees…?
JM: I have made it very clear in all my position papers that, in principle, I am against torture. Torture, if it’s to be used at all, should be done as humanely as possible.
TR: I understand that you have personal experience in that regard?
JM: You must have read my book.
TR: Yes sir.
JM: I don’t want to relive painful memories, but that’s a distinction I can draw between myself and my worthy opponents – they were never prisoners of war. They can’t say “been there, done that.” I love America and the American people. I love our Constitution. I love our traditions. We have gotten into a mode of sort of resting on our laurels.
TR: I don’t know what you mean.
JM: Americans have accomplished great things in and for the world. Sometimes we’ve been too nice in our diplomacy - in sharing our know-how, in our foreign aid, etc. We have reason to be proud, yes. However, we need to keep going, and, under my leadership, we will.
TR: You mean, like going to Mars?
JM: I’d rather leave that up to our scientists, but that illustrates my point about sharing. Right around the fifties, we started to develop technologies that changed history forever – nuclear weapons, jets, atomic submarines, stealth bombers, cell phones, computers, the internet, antibiotics, Teflon, hula hoops, you-name-it. What happened to all those inventions? We shared them with other countries and soon, they were manufacturing the same products more cheaply. I’m not saying the global economy is bad, but we need to keep our edge. I have recently heard that the Russians have developed a silent atomic weapon.
TR: A silent bomb? How can that be?
JM: Beats me, but imagine one of those going off next to you. You wouldn’t even know it. It’s like our Stealth bombers – you don’t see them until they’re right on top of you.
TR: You have been criticized for your stand on immigration issues.
JM: I’m glad you brought that up. I think my sponsorship of that legislation cost me dearly and confused a lot of my supporters. That’s what I get for listening to Kennedy.
TR: So, you changed your mind?
JM: No, I did not. I decided to leave that issue alone until after the election.
TR: Oh.
JM: You see, I practice what I would call a humanistic conservatism. I am a Republican first and foremost, absolutely. I believe in limited government and individual initiative and all that. Certainly I do. I also see the needs of other human beings - people in dire straits. We need to strike a balance between our need for security, our commitment to the rule of law, and practical solutions. I don’t want to feel straight-jacketed about this.
TR: I see what you mean…any thoughts on the economy?
JM: I think that’s a moot issue. The economy will right itself by November. In the meantime, my advice to my fellow Americans is to take all their money out of the market and put it in bonds. My wife did.
TR: Thank you sir. You have been very gracious.
JM: Thank you for keeping this short.