Experiment

I am today conducting an experiment in blogging. I cannot disclose what it is because it might spoil things. In fact, it WILL spoil things so I will just keep quiet about it. I will tell the secret in a few days. I'm sure it will be interesting - at least to me it will.  It is not even necessary to post a picture with this blog - the words will be sufficient.

Ambrose Bierce said: "The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material."

I like the phrase "...edifice of fame."

National Public Radio

There is talk about NPR - lots of it. It has become a favorite topic of commentators and bloggers. NPR has lately been tarnished by a series of missteps. It isn't perfect. What is? I say just leave it alone. It will learn and move on. No need for anyone else to meddle in its affairs, and, if the government funds it to a small degree, let it be. We certainly get our money's worth. Even the Timid Reporter could not do a better job, even if he is much less pretentious.

Russian Stealth Fighter

Well, it appears like Russia has finally developed a Steath fighter jet - something equivalent to the F-22 used by the U.S. Now that this has happened, U.S. policymakers and other assorted bureaucrats are worried that Russia may sell the plane to Venezuela, Iran, Syria, and other unfriendly countries. This topless woman may know the solution to that problem but so do I. Why not develop stealth missiles capable of knocking down stealth fighters?

State of the Union

The U.S. hasn't been doing too well lately - what with two wars, fear of terrorists, and the recession that feels more like a depression. California has been doing even worse. There seems to be no end to the bad economic news. However, life does go on. Maybe the middle class will completely disappear. Perhaps China can start a foreign aid program to help us out. Who really knows? This topless woman seems to have no worries. Let's all be optimistic, just like she is.

Madoff again

From a Yahoo! News story: “Madoff pleaded guilty Thursday to 11 charges, including fraud, perjury and money laundering, in what could be the biggest swindle in Wall Street history. He faces a maximum sentence of 150 years in prison, and the judge immediately jailed him. In arguing for his release, Madoff's lawyers say they would have a difficult time preparing for his sentencing without the ability to see him frequently to review his finances. They say they expect Madoff will be kept in solitary confinement, with limited contact with his lawyers, at the Metropolitan Correctional Center in Manhattan. They point out that Madoff did not flee after his December arrest, even though he "was always cognizant of the fact that he would die in prison." All of this was avoidable. Why does a swindler swindle anyway? Because it's so much fun? A game, perhaps?

Impure gold

This sounds very fishy to me: “Chris Weber, the editor of the excellent Weber Global Opportunities Report, makes the calculation in the most recent issue of his newsletter. He adds up the value of all the paper money in the world... and comes up with $100 trillion. Then he divides this by the total amount of "above ground" gold in existence – 5 billion ounces – and finds a fair value of gold at $20,000 an ounce. If Chris Weber's calculations are correct, the gold price would need to rise about 22 times to match the rise in the quantity of paper money in the system.” So, the question is, why aren’t all the other precious metals factored in???? This must be pure baloney. Gold is at about $850 an ounce right now (today). PLEASE. Even the girl at left knows better. Gold is not edible, remember?

Timid Reporter interviews Bernie Madoff

The Timid Reporter sent me this interview. Judge for yourself. (Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental, he said)

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Bernard L. Madoff?
BM: Yes, but you don’t have to be so formal – call me Bernie, please.
TR: Yes sir. May I come in?
BM: Sure. Make yourself comfortable. I’ve been expecting you.
TR: It smells like apple cider in here.
BM: I hope you find it pleasant my friend.
TR: Yes, very pleasant.
BM: I would offer you some but I’m afraid we’ve run out of Styrofoam cups.
TR: Why not use a real cup?
BM: My wife won’t let me.
TR: Well, I drink beer anyway.
BM: Beer is bad for you.
TR: Not so far.
BM: Why do you say that?
TR: I’ve been drinking beer since 1798 and have not been badly affected.
BM: Is that so?
TR: Yes sir. I only stay away from dark ale.
BM: That’s very amusing although a little perplexing too because I know you can’t be conning me – I would be able to tell, you know. You don’t look more than forty years old.
TR: I suspect that’s probably true. You are a very shrewd and wise man.
BM: I know how men think and what they crave the most.
TR: You would have made a good psychologist.
BM: On the contrary – I think I would have made a good politician. A psychologist is easily fooled. A politician only pretends to be fooled – a politician is the greatest deceiver of all. He is the master of the ancient art of manipulation.
TR: Mr. Bloomberg might not appreciate your saying that about him.
BM: I can always say I was misquoted.
TR: But my readers know I’m very careful.
BM: Sure, but he’s not one of your readers. What are people saying about me anyway?
TR: That you’re a schemer, a deceiver, a thief, a fool, a fixer, a flake, and a fraud.
BM: Well, that’s not too bad though I don’t really care what people think. I only care about what my own family thinks.
TR: They are the ones who said it. It’s in The New York Times.
BM: How can they be so ungrateful?
TR: The New York Times?
BM: No, my sons.
TR: …Ruth and your sister and your niece, too.
BM: Well, shame on them for kicking a man when he’s down - a poor elderly man.
TR: Do you think you’ll end up in prison?
BM: You mean, die in prison? Of course not. What do you think lawyers are for? By the time we get done with all the appeals, I’ll be ninety five. I just hope they can save my licenses. I might go work at Merrill Lynch or Bear Stearns or Lehman - as a partner, of course.
TR: They no longer exist.
BM: What are you saying - since when?
TR: About four months ago.
BM: Are you serious? What is this world coming to?
TR: I think they went bankrupt.
BM: I remember hearing something about it. You know, I haven’t read much in the last three years – not even the financial papers. I simply haven’t had the time.
TR: What have you been doing?
BM: Doing? Doing a lot of bookkeeping, that’s what I’ve been doing.
TR: Didn’t you have people doing that for you?
BM: They couldn’t be trusted with the Ascot accounts.
TR: A lot of your friends are angry with you.
BM: How come they weren’t mad at me when I was making them a ton of money? Do they expect me to apologize?
TR: They want their money back.
BM: Sure, sure, everybody does. Don’t they realize that asking for their money back is what caused this whole enterprise to collapse in the first place? It was like a run on the bank. I warned them. Don’t cash out, don’t cash out – wait for a scheduled distribution. Be patient. Instead, it was like a stampede of wildebeest.
TR: Didn’t you at least have a few billion left?
BM: Sure I did, but I had to pay as many people as I could before word got out that I was insolvent.
TR: Who?
BM: My closest friends.
TR: Like who?
BM: Let’s just say Bloomberg, Trump, Schumer, and Kennedy got taken care of.
TR: …Because you didn’t want to cross them or what?
BM: No, I didn’t. They’re a mean bunch – more cold-blooded and ruthless than I am, especially that Caroline girl.
TR: What about Clinton?
BM: The Clintons took their money out two months ago - even Chelsea.
TR: Maybe they knew something….
BM: Of course they knew – everybody knew. Nobody’s that dumb.
TR: And the SEC auditors?
BM: They were somewhat incompetent, but I also think they had their doubts - you know how the government is – if you have enough clout, you have nothing to fear from them. I just told them that if they wrote me up I would go above their heads. They wrote their reports full of imprecise and equivocating double talk – you know, maybe this and perhaps that; it appears that and it seems like – really vague stuff, nothing you could sink your teeth into. Naturally, the upper guys let me off the hook every time. There was a lot of gray in those reports. I also let some of the SEC higher ups invest with me.
TR: Really?
BM: Sure. Would I lie about something like that?
TR: How did you fool the sophisticated investors and hedge fund managers?
BM: Easy.
TR: How?
BM: Look, let me give you an example. I’ve been around financial jargon all my life. I know how people react to it. When they don’t understand it, they get frustrated and would rather be gored by a bull than be made to feel dumb. I will give you an introduction to my investment strategy and you tell me when to stop.
TR: Ok.
BM: Typically, a position in an Ascot Partners account will consist of the ownership of 30 to 35 S&P 100 stocks, most of them correlated to that index, the sale of out-of-the-money calls on the index, and the purchase of out-of-the-money puts on the index. The sale of the calls is designed to increase the rate of return, while allowing upward movement of the stock portfolio to the strike price of the calls. The puts, funded in large part by the sale of the calls, limit the portfolio's downside or risk ratio. A simple split-strike trade involves buying a stock at price X, selling a call option with a price Y which is above X, and purchasing a put option with a strike price Z which is below X. If the price of the stock is above Y at expiration, the stock will be called away and the investor receives Y for the stock. If the price is below Z at expiration, the put can be exercised and Z received in cash. This effectively caps the maximum gain….
TR: Stop. Please.
BM: I could go on like that for hours.
TR: I believe you.
BM: So the idiots would just say to me: “Bernie, don’t bother to explain all this to us, we trust you, you’re a genius, just send us any gains.”
TR: Do you have any words of advice for my eight readers?
BM: Tell them they’re lucky to be poor.
TR: Thank you Bernie.
BM: Thank you my friend and sorry about the cider.

Hank Paulson interview

Before we start, I must give you a little background (what little I know) about Hank Paulson. He socializes very little, he is an environment enthusiast, he has many, many, many friends in high places in China, and he is obsessed with snakes. The lady in the red wig has nothing to do with Paulson, I just put her there because I wanted to. She looks as if she has no clue where she's going but I bet she does. The wig is probably from the dollar store. As always, any similarity between the person being interviewed and/or any current events is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Hank Paulson?
HP: Yes sir, and you must be Mr. Quan?
TR: No, I’m with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
HP: Where’s Mr. Quan?
TR: I don’t know.
HP: So, why are you here in his place?
TR: I’m not taking his place – I’m here to do an interview with you.
HP: Oh, you’re that other guy. Do you care at all about global warming?
TR: May I come in?
HP: Only if you promise we’ll discuss climate change and the environment.
TR: We can discuss whatever you want to discuss.
HP: Step right this way.
TR: Wow, this looks like a greenhouse.
HP: It is.
TR: I’ve never seen so many indoor plants before.
HP: Wait ‘til you see the snakes.
TR: Snakes? How many snakes?
HP: Twenty six, but they are not all here – some we keep in the bedrooms.
TR: Oh.
HP: I know them all by name.
TR: One for each letter of the alphabet.
HP: How did you guess?
TR: I’m just good at guessing. How do you tell them apart?
HP: They’ve been in the family a number of years – after a while you just recognize them. It’s like telling your dollar bills apart. They’re all the same but they’re all different. There comes Chrimata now from under that fern.
TR: Chrimata?
HP: It’s the Greek word for “money.”
TR: I should have guessed.
HP: And Fiduciary is right behind her. Isn’t he cute?
TR: To me, they’re just snakes.
HP: You have a lot to learn. Let’s sit down in my study.
TR: Can I have a Corona Light?
HP: Sure. That’s my favorite beer - another lucky guess?
TR: No. I just like the way it tastes. I’m glad you have it in the house – even Buckingham Palace doesn’t stock it.
HP: You’ve been there?
TR: I interviewed the Queen.
HP: Sure you did.
TR: I don’t tell lies.
HP: You must be the only one on the planet.
TR: No, my father too.
HP: Really? And where might he be from?
TR: Austria, but he’s in the Himalayas right now.
HP: …doing?
TR: Collecting bark from an old tree.
HP: Is he a researcher, an environmental scientist?
TR: No, he needs it to stay alive.
HP: Is he ill?
TR: Not at all. He’s just really old. He will soon be 2000.
HP: 2000 years old?
TR: Yes.
HP: You know, I’ve been around a lot of bankers and finance people and business people almost all my life…
TR: Yes, I know.
HP: …I have learned to read them pretty well – perfectly, in fact. Even by the slightest inflection in their speech – I can tell when they’re trying to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge. Your story sounds very convincing – you’re either the world’s best liar or you’re telling me the absolute truth.
TR: Well, to me, it doesn’t matter at all what you think about me.
HP: You must not need any tips on the stock market.
TR: I just do interviews and take pictures whenever my camera is working.
HP: I can see you’re a simple man. You’re good for the environment.
TR: May I ask you about the financial collapse?
HP: Being that you’re a true environmentalist, you may ask me whatever you like.
TR: Thank you. My readers would like to know if the bailout money will really work to turn the economy around.
HP: No, of course it won’t. I had to find a way to protect my Asian friends from any defaults. That’s what that was about, not anything else. I know I’ve been criticized for being close to Wall Street, but everyone is close to something, no?
TR: Weren’t you partly responsible for the elimination of the net capital rule in 2004 - the thing that led to the credit crisis?
HP: Sure, sure, but let me tell you what that was about. When I was in the private sector, I lobbied hard against being overly regulated by the government. That’s all true. My mistake was in thinking that everybody in the investment business, when granted more freedom by the Feds, would act responsibly. Instead, they acted like thugs. They really let me down. I was in charge at Goldman Sachs and we stayed clear of the greediness and all those sham securities. That’s why it’s the only firm that survived. All those people who are now criticizing me don’t have a clue.
TR: May I print that?
HP: No, not all of it.
TR: Ok. What about John Ehrlichman?
HP: Who is he?
TR: He used to be your boss under Nixon?
HP: Oh, yes, I forgot. Some things just never go away, do they?
TR: You were almost caught up in Watergate.
HP: That was in 1972 – almost four decades ago. I was just a kid. John Dean cautioned me to keep away from the whole mess and I resented him for it because I wanted to get in on the action. He was a real snake.
TR: But, he saved your reputation.
HP: Without meaning to.
TR: Didn’t you later give him a job as an investment banker at Goldman Sachs?
HP: No. I simply suggested to him that he go into banking – it was a perfect fit. The industry is full of weasels and snitches, you know.
TR: Maybe you’ve had too much beer?
HP: Don’t you want another Corona?
TR: I’m beginning to hear noises in my ears.
HP: Oh, don’t worry. They’re coming from my playroom next door. I have a collection of over a hundred ticker tape machines in there – the kind that every stock broker used to have. At precisely the same time every day, they start whirring away. I love those old machines. They were the internet of the old, old days.
TR: I remember them, of course. You know them all by name?
HP: No.
TR: When did you become concerned about the environment?
HP: When I learned that we were about to run out of oil. The next big money makers will be wind power generation and solar energy.
TR: What do you think is the ultimate power source?
HP: Washington politics.
TR: What about the people?
HP: If I’ve learned anything in the last fifty years, it’s that if you give people something to eat and something to talk about, they’re happy. 98 percent of them don’t even know who I am.
TR: But what about unemployment?
HP: Well, that won’t really become a problem unless it hits 50 percent. We may see a couple of riots here and there but I have set aside 997 billion for that worst-case scenario. Be that as it may, my private jet is on standby to take me and my family to Brazil on a moment’s notice.
TR: Do you have another residence there?
HP: Well, I really doubt that the Coffee Club would be interested in that but, for the record; we’ll just be doing a little environmental research near Rio. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find a new species. I’m going to grab another beer and lie down, if you don’t mind.
TR: Thank you Mr. Paulson.
HP: Thank you, Mr. Quan.

Timid Reporter and Warren Buffett

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Warren Buffett?
WB: What would happen if I said “no?”
TR: I would politely remind you that you are.
WB: You wouldn’t doubt my sanity?
TR: No sir, I wouldn’t.
WB: Why do you call me “sir” if you’re older than I?
TR: You heard.
WB: Yes – the word’s getting around. Bill told me you said you were born in 1777.
TR: It’s true.
WB: Can you prove it?
TR: Most certainly I can.
WB: Where were you born?
TR: In Florence – July 7, 1777.
WB: You’re Italian?
TR: Not at all - just like you’re not actually English, I’m not Italian. I’m half Austrian and half Gypsy, or the other way around.
WB: You’re right. I have no ancestors in England, but I can trace my lineage all the way back to the Norsemen.
TR: My grandfather still tells me stories about the mighty Roman Empire.
WB: Is he still alive?
TR: Yes. I’m getting thirsty.
WB: I hope you brought change. I have a Coke vending machine in the den.
TR: Never mind.
WB: You say you can document everything about your old age and background?
TR: I’m timid, but I do not lie.
WB: Well, I’m somewhat at a loss. You may be telling me what you think is the truth, but you might also be insane - just like so many economists I know.
TR: Yes sir, but I didn’t come all the way to Omaha to talk about me.
WB: This magic potion you claim to have – it could make you the richest person on the planet.
TR: Richer than you?
WB: Yes.
TR: It’s not what you think.
WB: Let me have a shot at this secret, whatever it is. You can have 51% of the partnership without lifting a finger.
TR: This formula slows down your metabolism so that you age at only 3% the rate as everyone else.
WB: How has it been kept secret so long?
TR: It also induces you to keep your mouth shut.
WB: So how many people know about it?
TR: Seven.
WB: I don’t believe a word of this. You’re a shyster and a fraud.
TR: I’m not selling anything.
WB: You’re a con artist trying to set me up.
TR: I’m not a consultant and I don’t sell gold. You started this.
WB: I don’t even play Bridge with Jimmy Cayne because….
TR: He cheats?
WB: I didn’t say that.
TR: His butler told me.
WB: This just doesn’t square. If you’re so old, how come you’re not wealthy? How come you’re still timid?
TR: I have known people who have been born poor and died poor. I have known people who never learned to read or write in a lifetime. Time does not necessarily equal progress. It’s not given to every man to write a symphony or to invent a light bulb. Besides, why do you scold me if I have yet another two thousand years to make a little money? I might even get over my timidity. If you wait long enough….
WB: You’re not as timid as you appear.
TR: I have observed several generations over the span of more than two hundred years and have concluded that life is about eating and drinking and not much else.
WB: Then I have been fortunate. Not everything has gone smoothly, but I’ve learned to adjust to reverses that have come along from time to time. I’m a happy man.
TR: How is it that the richest man on earth can also be relatively modest?
WB: I have everything I need. I even have a private jet.
TR: Do you have any poor friends?
WB: I can’t say that I do. What good would that do me?
TR: You are a great philanthropist but you don’t personally know any of your beneficiaries?
WB: It’s best not to know. Bill gives me charts with numbers – that’s all I need to be aware of.
TR: Wouldn’t it be satisfying to actually see a person whose life changed because of your philanthropy? They wouldn’t need to know who you are.
WB: Do you know such a person?
TR: No.
WB: Could you find one for me?
TR: I’m still very thirsty.
WB: Here, I’ll lend you the seventy five cents for my vending machine.
TR: No, thanks.
WB: It’s time for my nap.
TR: …just one more question.
WB: Yes.
TR: Why did your wife Susan leave?
WB: What can I tell you? She wanted to sing.
TR: Thank you, sir.

Sarah Palin's second interview

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 47 - September 12, 2008

After Charlie Gibson was done, the Timid Reporter stepped in to see if he could get an exclusive. He got his exclusive but only sort of. He was a little nervous at first (as you can tell) and was never fully at ease but at least he got some new stuff.

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is (of course) coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Governor Sarah Palin?
SP: Sarah Louise Heath Palin – yes.
TR: I’m the Timid Reporter.
SP: Yes, you look the part. You’re two minutes late.
TR: I took the bus to get here and the bus was late.
SP: No, no, no – no excuses, sir.
TR: Ok, sorry. Where can I sit?
SP: One of these two chairs....
TR: They look pretty worn.
SP: Well, I haven’t gotten around to ordering my new furniture. I really haven’t had time to even look at catalogues, you know. I’ve been staying up late studying.
TR: What?
SP: Studying....
TR: Studying what?
SP: What do you think? Everything.....
TR: Do you think you’re a lightweight, as they say?
SP: I was told there would be no personal questions.
TR: That’s not what I meant.
SP: You’re not from Alaska – you don’t speak plainly.
TR: I was born in Florence.
SP: Where’s that?
TR: Italy.
SP: Of course. They are one of our allies.
TR: Can I have a beer?
SP: Absolutely not. Why would you even want a beer?
TR: Because I’m thirsty?
SP: No, that won’t do. I think you need some coffee. That’s what I think.
TR: Ok, I understand. Can I ask you about Wasilla?
SP: Sure, that’s my hometown.
TR: Were you a really tough Mayor?
SP: Only the people who got fired think so. I did what I had to do, that’s all. I balanced the budget, I cut taxes, I almost did away with the museum....
TR: You don’t like art?
SP: Of course I do - we have moose heads hanging on our walls all over the house.
TR: Do you enjoy firing people?
SP: I think I have a right to work with people who will work with me.
TR: People who always agree with you?
SP: I wouldn’t say always, but a good 99% of the time would be nice.
TR: But you have a reputation for being aggressive and controlling.
SP: I have a feeling you have been coached by the Obama people.
TR: They called you Sarah Barracuda in high school, no?
SP: Yes, but I also won the Miss Congeniality title in the Miss Alaska Pageant.
TR: Ok. Why don’t you like endangered species?
SP: I like all species – endangered or not. I just don’t think there are as many endangered species as they say. Maybe the human race is the most endangered species of all.
TR: How about the beluga whale?
SP: We have plenty of those.
TR: Why are you a member of the NRA?
SP: All true Republicans are, except maybe Joe Lieberman.
TR: Can I print that?
SP: You’d better not.
TR: Ok, I won’t. Why was it that you never had a passport?
SP: It’s not a crime not to have one.
TR: ...but, if you want to travel overseas.
SP: It’s not a crime not to travel overseas.
TR: I see.
SP: Many of our early American statesmen never travelled.
TR: Those were simpler times.
SP: Of course those were simpler times, but they also saw the need to stay close to home, to take care of the peoples’ needs first. Ambassadors used to travel, but not Presidents and certainly not Vice Presidents.
TR: You have been criticized for not knowing any heads of state. Do you think you could deal with Hugo Chavez?
SP: I have a few ideas but I can’t discuss them with you. Mr. Chavez can be temperamental, but there’s a reason for it – a very obvious reason. The man needs a stable social life.
TR: How do you know?
SP: A mother just knows these things. Besides, the CIA gave me a full briefing on him this morning.
TR: Do you think Hillary resents you?
SP: Hillary who?
TR: Never mind. Are you concerned about global warming?
SP: There are two sides to that coin. Global warming can be bad but it can also be good.
TR: Yes?
SP: That’s all I’m going to say about it.
TR: Ok. Where do you stand on the war?
SP: I’m in favor of winning it.
TR: What do you think led you to where you are today?
SP: Term limits.
TR: Term limits?
SP: Certainly. If it hadn’t been for the term limits in Wasilla, I would have run again and again and again and today I would still be Mayor of Wasilla.
TR: Thank you so much Governor Palin.
SP: Thank you sir.

Timid Reporter interviews Queen Elizabeth

This interview took place late last month. For those of you who may not be familiar with the Timid Reporter, he is pretty ancient, having been born on July 7, 1777.

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Queen Elizabeth? I’m sorry I don’t know your last name.
QE: Don’t be sorry my dear sir, please just come in – I was expecting you – my attendants will show you where to situate yourself.
TR: Thank you. I smell Jasmine tea.
QE: You have a good nose for tea?
TR: Yes, but I prefer beer.
QE: Oh, my goodness. Well, we can serve you a nice English ale if you’d like.
TR: I like Corona Light.
QE: What is that?
TR: A popular Mexican beer.
QE: I’m afraid we wouldn’t have anything like that in the cellar.
TR: I’ll have the ale but just dilute it with a little water please.
QE: That would be sacrilegious, sir - don’t you think?
TR: To me, nothing is sacrilegious.
QE: Oh my.
TR: Well, some Earl Grey will do fine – I’m sorry to be so much trouble.
QE: Oh, no trouble at all. I’ll have it brought right up.
TR: These are lovely paintings. I recognize several of the old Italians.
QE: You do?
TR: Yes, I used to sell canvas to some of these guys in the late seventeen hundreds.
QE: How can that be?
TR: My father and I used to peddle art supplies up and down Tuscany in old Italy.
QE: Oh, I see.
TR: I never suspected their pictures would end up here.
QE: We’re the only ones who can afford them.
TR: Yes, of course. Do you think the aristocracy is in any danger of being shut down?
QE: I beg your pardon – that is an impertinent question.
TR: Sorry – I don’t even know why I asked it.
QE: I’m not really prepared to speak on such a topic.
TR: Can we talk about the rest of the royals?
QE: Well, that depends.
TR: How about Prince Charles?
QE: Him we can talk about – he’s been such a disappointment.
TR: Can I print that?
QE: Oh, no, absolutely not. You may not print any part of this little chat – I was informed it would all be off the record for now.
TR: So, when could I run it?
QE: Twenty years after I pass on.
TR: Ok, that’s fine with me.
QE: So, where were we?
TR: Prince Charles....
QE: Oh, yes. As it turns out, he has gone against my wishes so many times and he’s been dreadfully wrong every time. I have gotten accustomed to it I suppose. Otherwise, I’d be dead from all the ensuing turmoil.
TR: Were you against the marriage to Diana?
QE: Oh, of course, from the very beginning. I very much preferred Abigail.
TR: Abigail?
QE: She was a girl nobody knew about – even the tabloids didn’t know. I really should not speak about it. She was ten years older than Charles, so she was just perfect. It’s so unfortunate he had to go after that spoiled little girl. In the days of Henry VIII, she wouldn’t have given us any trouble at all.
TR: I know what you mean. Is there anything you ever wished you could have done – things you couldn’t do because you were the Queen of England?
QE: Oh, yes, many things.
TR: Such as...?
QE: Well, I always wanted to wear a very short mini skirt.
TR: Really?
QE: I have very nice legs, you know.
TR: I wish I had brought my camera.
QE: Oh, no, no. It’s much too late for that now, if you know what I mean.
TR: Yes, of course.
QE: One thing troubles me about you.
TR: Yes?
QE: You do not address me as “your majesty.” It is only proper you know.
TR: I’m half Gypsy – we don’t care about such things.
QE: So, where did you get your golden hair?
TR: I’m half Austrian.
QE: How very unusual. Do you know how that happened?
TR: Yes, it’s very simple. My father is Austrian and my mother was a Gypsy from Italy.
QE: And how did they happen to meet?
TR: Well, my mother was travelling with a band of Gypsies in the Northern part of Italy when the Austrians decided to invade. My father was in the army and the two groups sort of collided. That’s the short version.
QE: It sounds so romantic.
TR: My father claims he was seduced.
QE: That’s always the case is it not?
TR: I don’t know – I’ve never been seduced.
QE: Yes you have, you just weren’t aware of it.
TR: Well, in that case, I’ve been seduced quite a few times. What’s that hanging by the mirror?
QE: That’s a Stradivarius violin.
TR: I thought I recognized it. That’s my father’s old fiddle. It was stolen quite a few years ago when we were in Venice. Who sold it to you?
QE: Charles brought it back with him when he travelled to Paris many years ago. He was just seventeen years old. He never said anything about it being stolen.
TR: Not to worry – your secret is safe with me – I won’t even tell my father.
QE: Sir, you are a true gentleman. I am grateful to you.
TR: No problem ma’am. I know it would just cause another scandal. It has been delightful meeting you.
QE: Thank you, sir. I’ll have you driven to the palace gate in my Bentley.

Olympics

I cannot make the Timid Reporter famous all by myself. A little help from my eight readers would be appreciated. If enough people start reading his interviews, he might be able to afford an agent. I certainly hope so. It is feasible, especially now that the Olympics are over. Please.

Timid Reporter

The Timid Reporter wants his interviews to be read but I can't be his agent for free so he needs your help. Please. He might stop annoying me if you will just help him out with a little publicity. I would appreciate it.

Lili Boulanger

Lili Boulanger was a French composer, younger sister of the better-known Nadia. She was born on this day in 1893 but only lived to age 24. Who knows what she might have accomplished had she lived to a ripe old age? She is still remembered, though nobody plays her music anymore. There isn't that much.

Greenery

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody's there to hear it, does it still make a sound? If someone paints a picture and nobody sees it, does the canvas go blank? If I write a blog and nobody reads it, does it still exist? I don't think it matters one bit. These are just dumb questions to pass the time. I don't know who painted this one but the circles are there, whether you can see them or not.

I cannot make this guy famous

Not all by myself. I desperately need your help. He goes by the name of The Timid Reporter. He can talk to any head of state anytime he wants - anyone except the Pope and the Dalai Lama. He is not allowed on the premises. He is too sacrilegious. He was born on July 7, 1777 and is still alive and well.

I cannot make this guy famous

Not all by myself. You have to help the Timid Reporter get famous. Well, ok - if not famous just a little bit more popular. After all, he can interview just about anyone he wants - except the Pope and the Dalai Lama. That's because they won't let him in the door.