Timid Reporter interviews Jimmy Cayne

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Jimmy Cayne?
JC: Who are you?
TR: I’m the Timid Reporter. I have an appointment.
JC: Since when? Nobody told me anything about it. Are you with the media?
TR: Yes, sir, the Coffee Club Newsletter.
JC: What is that, a financial paper of some sort?
TR: No sir, it’s the company in-house newsletter for coffee drinkers and subscribers.
JC: That doesn’t tell me a thing little man. How many readers do you have?
TR: Eight.
JC: This must be some sort of joke. Get out - I have a very important bridge game to play in an hour.
TR: But, don’t you care what happens to your company?
JC: What company? I have all my money in European stocks.
TR: Bear Stearns.
JC: Oh, that company. I’m no longer in charge. Go talk to Alan.
TR: Alan who?
JC: Alan Schwartz. Don’t you know anything?
TR: Yes, of course. Mr. Schwartz. I tried talking to him yesterday but he sent me to you.
JC: I don’t have any time for this. I have nothing more to do with Stearns. Leave now or I’ll have to call security.
TR: I’m not leaving – the butler told me how you win at bridge.
JC: Ok, sit over there. I’ll give you ten minutes.
TR: I just need five. I don’t have enough questions for ten. I do want a couple of beers please.
JC: Sure, I’ll have James bring them. Push that red button on your chair to summon him.
TR: Ok.
JC: Now, back to your questions.
TR: My readers would like to know how it is that while the company is losing so much money, there’s always enough to pay all the directors huge salaries.
JC: That’s not hard to answer. Do you know anything about hedge funds?
TR: No.
JC: Good. How about short-term un-liquid periodic indexed debenture funds?
TR: No.
JC: Good. We call those STUPID funds, for short, by the way.
TR: I’m with you.
JC: Well, in the banking business, we’re constantly playing one set of funds against another. It’s sort of like betting the red and the black at the same time.
TR: I don’t understand.
JC: Don’t you ever gamble?
TR: No.
JC: No wonder. Let me try to explain. The reason we get paid so much money is that we are the only ones in the world who can handle the ultra complex processes of money management. I have barely scratched the surface and you are already at a loss.
TR: In more ways than one.
JC: Well, on top of that, there’s thousands of funds and hundreds of types of funds. On top of that, the game is on a global scale.
TR: So, it’s a lot of work?
JC: You have no idea, my friend. Do you ever invest?
TR: I have a savings account.
JC: You need more than that. If I had time, I would share a good tip with you.
TR: I’ll talk to the butler again if you don’t tell me. I want to make some money.
JC: Ok, ok, but you can’t print any of it.
TR: I won’t.
JC: Look up Mr. Octavian Shin in the Paris phone book. He is listed.
TR: Then what?
JC: Tell him client number 13 sent you. He will then give you the code for a Russian energy stock that pays 790%, guaranteed. You’ll be a millionaire in no time, especially the way oil has been going up lately.
TR: How much should I put in?
JC: Ten thousand to start.
TR: I only have two hundred.
JC: Well, I can’t help you there.
TR: You can lend me the difference.
JC: I don’t make personal loans. Talk to Alan - he’s the risk taker.
TR: You’re the one who cheats at bridge.
JC: Ok, ok. I’ll write you a check.
TR: The check won’t bounce?
JC: It’s not a Bear Stearns check.
TR: I am grateful to you, Mr. Cayne.
JC: Remember, you just have to know where to park your money.
TR: I think I learned a lot today.
JC: Please give my kind regards to your eight readers. Have a nice day, sir. James will show you out.
TR: Thank you.